What is beauty exactly? How would I define it?

I’m not sure. I do know that when I think of beauty I picture people like Kate Winslet and Catherine Zeta Jones.

I think back to a time when I didn’t know what beauty was or what it meant to be black or white or skinny or fat.

I do remember though the first time someone called me fat. I feel like as women if you’re ever unlucky enough to be called fat you’ll always remember it.

I was in kindergarten and I wondered if we could get a second slice of pizza. The boy sitting next to me named John, who I still know to this day, was the first person to call me fat.

Since that day I was always aware of my size. I have problems with food. It is my drug of choice. I eat when I’m sad, happy, stressed, anytime really. I use it because it makes me feel good, I always think about food and I hate it. Even when I shouldn’t be thinking about food, I’m thinking about it.

I’ve struggle with diets and eating disorders. I constantly am weighing myself and sucking in my fat in the mirror.

I always wonder if I’ll ever fit my own brains fucked up standard of beauty. I don’t think I ever will, but I do realize I have to learn to accept me and who I am. I just have to be happy. I don’t know how I’m going to be happy but I have to learn and I hope it’s sometime soon.

I do know that even though the world can be fucked up and people can hurt you that there is good in the world.

My friends are beautiful and kind. My family and supportive. I can have the world in my hands I just have to reach out and take it.

I try to think of beauty in different terms. In laughter in, acts of kindness, in the world around me. I try to picture the ocean and sunsets, I try to picture the stars and green forests. That is what beauty is.

Humans are beautiful too or at least they can be. I want my friends to know I think they’re beautiful inside and out.

We need to create our own standards of beauty and accept us for who we are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Fuck everyone else.

I just randomly wrote this short thing in 15 minutes. Sorry for the grammatical errors, but let me know what you think!

It’s a Wonderful Umbrella

It was raining. Not just a drizzle but a downpour. Cold, wet and horrible to most, but wonderful to her. Standing on her gray cement porch she reaches out her hand, letting the rain drops fall on her palm. “One, two, three,” she counts, watching the fat tears fall in succession. She picks up her yellow umbrella spinning it around and humming a familiar tune. Pop, it goes up into the air, the rain hitting the cloth surface with a drip, drop, and flop. Smiling, she jumps down the porch steps, her yellow wellies squelching. Plop, in a puddle she goes, skipping and jumping, splashing and laughing. Running out into the empty street she twirls under her umbrella, smiling to the sky like a child. The rain doesn’t faze her, dropping her umbrella to the ground letting the droplets fall around her. Her hair is a mess with water, the rain rolling down in rivets off her jacket.

As she laughs and spins a man across the street stops her in her tracks. He looks at her, water dribbling from his floppy brown hair, down his structured face like happy teardrops. He holds an evergreen umbrella at his side, sitting in a rain puddle on the wet ground. They look at each other, she blushes, and he smiles. Pop, goes his umbrella as he twirls it about his head. She smiles at him and mimics his action. He jumps in a puddle the water splashing, she watches and laughs at his antics. “Come on,” he says coming up to take her hand. They walk down the street hand and hand, skipping and jumping, splashing and laughing. A boy and a girl, a man and a woman, a yellow and green umbrella - happiness.

Random thing I wrote forever ago that I found and decided to re-post with a change or two because I realized I never actually read what I wrote and I love it, enjoy!

.......................


He comes to a place when the world is dark and he feels like up is down and down gets lower with every breath he takes.

She runs up to him when her Frisbee lands in his lap and she apologizes profusely and he can't help but think his eyes got a little brighter.

She chats about being a fan but not a crazy one and he laughs as her hands swing around while she talks.

He can't help but feel some unfamiliar butterflies in his stomach at the sight of her hazel eyes sparking and her smile so wide it's like a sunny day and bright skies.

He invites her to dinner and she agrees only if he gives the Frisbee back.

He meets her later in a cute little café where he pulls out her chair and feels like maybe that deep hole he was digging is getting a little shallower.

She talks of life and love and things he had tired to ignore for so long.

A week later he kisses her gently and feels the world come alive with the touch of her hand and her dirty blond hair beneath his finger tips.

She's different than the rest he knows and he loves her for it.

She thinks big and knows what she wants but is real and he can feel every part of her and loves the curve of her body beneath his fingertips.

She loves him just the same more than she thought she ever could and when she sees his blue eyes and feels the wide expanse of his back as he holds her tight she thinks life can't get any better.

A month later he sets her on fire with every touch and move and loving glance and she feels whole and he feels like the hole he dug is level with the ground.

When they marry he takes her hand and knows that this is their forever kind of love.

This summer started of with anxiety about getting here driving across the country in one piece and my clunker car making it here.

Now it's the end of summer, I'm still alive and I've had more memories made in one summer than any other I've ever had.

If somebody would have told me 3 years ago I'd be here doing this, trying to make it in the entertainment industry I would have told them no I'm going to be a horse trainer. I'm a far cry from a horse trainer now.

I went from being at home depressed to having the summer of my life.

I grew up. I changed. I learned. I let go.

I feel free in Los Angeles. I feel like I can do what I want to do here, I feel like I'm free to be me, to be who I want.

Now the summer is gone and I'm leaving to head back to Wisconsin on Wednesday and I feel like the world is collapsing down on me, like I'm drowning and I'm fucked.

I'll miss the Cali weather and the people but most of all I'll miss my friends.

I want to thank Niki and Kristina for accepting me into their friendship and for letting me into your lives and for trusting me. This summer has been so great and I found two people who really get my sense of humor and who I want to be.

I'm happy to now have met even though it was late and we only got to hang out a few times, Monika, Monique and Maegan you guys are so wonderful, funny, caring and awesome. I'm so glad I got to experience Marcus and Bobby's shows with you and our fun weekend.

It's going to be hard going home even though I'll hopefully be back in May, it's going to be hard going back to my old life, with my old friends while you guys are all here together making more memories.

I know I'll be back but I'm going to miss it so much.

I've had a summer filled of concerts, celebrities, AMAZING work and connections, I got another tattoo, made new friends for life and finished my first screenplay which hopefully will continue to bring me good luck.

I have everything to be thankful for and nothing to regret. I am lucky and I just need to keep reminding myself that it isn't over.

I don't want to leave but I'll be back and hopefully I'll have a job and my career will take off.

I'm going to keep dreaming like my tattoo tells me.

I need to pull through my last year in Wisconsin, I've worked too hard to let myself believe that I'm a failure.

I'm going to miss California and miss the me that I know I will leave behind.

xoxox

I'm a true believer in music as a healing mechanism.

Music can make you laugh, cry, remember, and just feel anything, or sometimes help you forget.

Seeing Marcus perform at the Hotel Cafe on Friday and Saturday was almost life changing.

I look back and I think of all the things that happened that week with he who shall not be named coming to the shows 3 nights in a row, and how I thought I would pass out if he showed up.

In the end I was slightly annoyed he showed up instead of happy like I thought I would be (even though I was glad Marcus and Bobby had him there).

But besides that something greater happened, I never thought Marcus would be able to pull me in like he had. Don't get me wrong I loved him a lot before the shows but I was worried he would be shy on stage, boy was I wrong.

I feel Marcus much like I do with Sam. He feels the music flow out of him you can see it coming out of his soul and running through his fingers and his lips and it comes from every fiber of his being.

At the end of his first show I looked over to a fellow LoD-er, she was crying and it made me feel overwhelmed even though I hid it.

The second night I felt connected and totally amazed by him.

"Kiss is a Knife" made me believe in someone completely becoming their music, by far my favorite.

When he moved to the piano to do the Tom Waits cover I think I died. He just played and it amazed me and I could feel it and there were no words.

I watch the videos that Monica captured and they made me cry, they make me love music even more than I ever thought possible.

Marcus made me want to sing again just like Sam does every time I see or hear him. I have to go out and buy that guitar now.

I can't express what this weekend meant to me, I can't express what I feel when I watched Marcus on stage, but I can try to explain it to people in hopes that they can understand it and feel it too.

Their music should be spread to everyone and I can't wait for people to know who Marcus is because he's so very talented and amazing. He deserves to be heard.

Music is everything.

p.s. I also love Bobby :)

This weekend was another great weekend with Niki and Kristina.

I got a tattoo with them watching on and getting a tattoo will always be a life changing experience so for me it was huge to have them there.

I just want to say I'm glad I shared it with the both of you.

To both of you as well, thank you for taking me in to your little family the both of you have been great and in the short couple of weeks I've known the both of you I feel like I've known you guys forever.

I hope that the both of you don't feel like I'm intruding your lives and if you ever get sick of me you can just swat me away like a fly I won't be offended, I know I can be annoying sometimes. :)

But I just wanted to say thanks for making me have such a memorable summer so far and for gaining two friends that I will continue to share memories with.

My mood has increased by like a million just in the past few weeks.

Los Angeles has been so freaking amazing so far, even more amazing than I ever thought possible and I still haven't been swimming in the Ocean yet!

I've now sealed my 3 internships down working at Katalyst Films, on a documentary that will eventually get me a screen credit and an internship at Mandeville films one day a week to top everything off.

Even though I still don't do much at Katalyst now I have my other internships to even it out so it makes it better.

I've also recently met people that have seriously made my life out here and I've only known them for a little over a week. I think it's amazing when you can find people that you just click with and it's like you've known them for years instead of days. I seriously am super pumped for the rest of the summer and this will make it even harder to go back to Wisconsin where most of my good friends have graduated and left.

There are still things I want to accomplish this summer like finishing my two screenplays so I can have people at work read them and also do semi-well on my internet class that I have seriously been neglecting. I also would really like to lose weight this summer even though it's been proving difficult so far.

I think the only downfall was my yo-yo mooding before last weekend and the fact that I'm stuggling with money, I'm spending money and I really shouldn't be since I have no income, but it's just so hard when you want to be doing things and not sitting on your ass.

However life is short, life is good and I'm going to damn well enjoy my last summer of not having a job as a real adult in the real world.

I'm super excited to see where the next two months take me and the adventures I will have with my new friends and family in Los Angeles.

Things are seriously looking up!

For my Kay and all the awesome banners and icons you make me.. and for helping me get through my rough patch!

Sadly youtube didn't copy over the music but good thing it's a silent film! Enjoy!

Hey Everyone!!!

My friend Kay and I have started a LJ Community for the amazing singer/songwriter Chris Mann based out of New York.

Please check out his music and join our community!!! http://community.livejournal.com/chrismannfan/



Myspace: www.myspace.com/chrismannmusic

Our set we built for 1959!

</a>

I love making movies!

I need to fix this.

My icon says what I need to do.

I've been on such a weird roller coaster of emotions the past few months I'm starting to wonder things about myself that I never thought I'd wonder.

Who am I?

What DO I want?

Can I ever learn to love myself?

I don't think I've ever felt like laughing and crying so much in my life before, I don't know what emotion to feel.

I just found out that the silent film I made in my silent film class got into the 28th annual Italian Silent Film Festival in ITALY!!!! http://www.cinetecadelfriuli.org/gcm/

I am so freaking happy something came out of that class! It's very short but I'm so happy someone liked it enough to put it in this huge film festival!

Daev,

I seriously love you so flipping much you have no idea!!!

Thank you for being such a wonderful and amazing friend to me over the past few months. You've pulled me out of my darkness so many times and I can never repay you for what you've done.

I love you!

xoxoxox

-Kayal

I think I've been the queen of cryptic ever since I got home from Los Angeles.

I just wanted to do a post to say I'm sorry to all my beautiful readers out there. I'm sorry that I went from writing Zikki fanfiction to nothing at all. All of you were so kind to me and I wish I could write for you, however that chapter has closed on my life.

My love for fandom is still there but I no longer feel connected to Zac and Nikki. I am still their fans, I still support them but my days of shipping are over.

My life over the past year since I've returned from LA has been a learning experience. I have never felt so dead in my life when I returned from California. I had this great experience then I was thrown back into a world in Wisconsin that I've outgrown. I miss everything about Los Angeles and I'm counting down the days till I return in May.

I've also found love in other fandoms away from drama and just all together hatred. I've developed a way to love fandom from afar and take what I like and make it my own.

I love everyone so much but I'm done with FanForum for good. I haven't posted for awhile now but I would just thought I would let people know. I'll still be on LJ and I'm on Twitter as well.

I'm still writing just not fanfictions any longer, I've decided to focus on scripts that I hope one day you all will be able to see on screen.

Don't worry I'll still be on chat when I can to all my lovelies that I talk to almost everyday but I just wanted readers to know that I just can't write fanfiction anymore, at least not for a long time.

My life is so complicated, full of ups and downs like most peoples. I need to focus on myself and learning how to be me without trying to please everyone else.

I love my Zikki girls more than anything! For those of you who have been there for me the past few months thank you, and just stick with me while I try to work it out in my head.

Like I said I'm still on LJ, I'll still me making posts here and on chat sometimes but otherwise FF is done for me.

I love you girls so much! xoxox

For my Kay who made me feel so much better this past week. It's a cover of Sam Bradley and Rob Pattinson's Too Far Gone/Never Think. Please Rate, and comment on YouTube! Love you guys!

abandoned.

anxious.

hurt.

hopeful.

loving.

sad.

worthless.

thoughtful.

I don't know how I can feel all those things, but I do.

"To me, it's really so simple, that life should be lived on the edge. You have to exercise rebellion. To refuse to tape yourself to the rules, to refuse your own success, to refuse to repeat yourself, to see every day, every year, every idea as a true challenge. Then you will live your life on the tightrope." - Philippe Petit

I watched the Oscar winning documentary "Man On Wire" last night and I think it has really impacted my life.

It was so beautiful. Phillipe's passion for what he does, his thrill and wonder for life how his eyes just light up and he KNEW he had to walk the tightrope between the trade towers. How he was willing to DIE for what he loved because it would be a great death.

That passion is what everyone should have in life. We should all live life like he says to excercise rebellion, to live. WE must live our lives how we want.

My passion is film, my passion is the entertainment industry, my passion is my friends, my passion is my horse, my passion is music.

Life is beautiful it truly is.

Everyone must watch this movie, it will change your life, it will make you see that you must not repeat yourself and your daily life we must grab life and live it, live it everyday because it is beautiful.

If I could just have one ounce of light in my eyes like Philippe Petit my life would be just as beautiful.

I have a purpose in life and I know I'm here to do something great. Will it be great to many people? Who knows but as long as its great to me and I love what I am doing and I enjoy my life than that is all that matters.

The Thong Song
(one shot)

Rating: XXX

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone

Authors Note: For Flover, her early birthday present, I came out of retirement just for you...this is it.. :) LOVE YOU! xoxxox

p.s. it's short
......................

“Holy fucking shit you have got to be kidding me,” Zac's mouth dropped as he saw the sight in front of him.

Nikki.

In.

Just.

A.

Thong.

“Nik-I-I-What-I-I- for some reason I feel like I should burst into the thong song.”

She smiled as she demurely walked over to him, Zac never taking his eyes off her body as it moved.

“She’s got dumps like a truck, truck, truck, thighs like what, what, what, baby move your butt, butt, butt…I think I’ll sing it again.”

Zac smirked and Nikki could swear he was blushing.

“You like that song baby?”

“I know what I like more than that song…”

“What?” She asked moving closer to him her hands coming to wrap up around his neck, their bodies pressing closer. Nikki could feel Zac’s erection up against her leg already.

“The real thing!”

Nikki squealed as he grabbed her bare ass.

“You know what else I like?”

“Dirty Nicole.”

“Well good thing she’s come out to play…and I see dirty Zachary has too…” She said stroking his length.

Zac gulped hard before slamming his lips into hers. Nikki moaned as their mouths moved together in almost an animal like way.

“Tell me what you want me to do to you Nikki; I need to hear you say it.”

“Fuck me Zac.”

“Say it again.”

“Fuck me…now.”

“How do you want it?”

“Hard.”

Zac growled before swinging them around practically pushing Nikki until her legs hit the mattress her knees buckling underneath her. He pounced letting their bodies mold together as he ravished her bare creamy skin that felt like silk beneath his finger tips.

“Mhmmmm,” Nikki sighed her finger nails dragging along his shoulder blades.

His hands took no time in finding her nipples kneading her breasts till the pink nubs were hard and sensitive beneath his palms. Soon his mouth found their way down the valley of her breasts gently sucking and nipping leaving a wake of wet and hot open mouthed kisses.

Nikki’s hands grabbed Zac’s ass through his jeans before making short work of his belt. Zac was all too willing to help her discard her clothes.

“That’s more like it,” She purred when his clothes were gone and his well muscled skin was beneath her finger tips.

He moaned as her small hands found his hard manhood gently working him with delicious friction.

“God Nik.”

“No more games take me Zac.”

He didn’t waste any more time ripping the skimpy fabric of the thong off her body swiftly entering her.

“Jesus Zac,” She cried arching her hips into him.

“Do you like that baby?”

“Fuck yes!” she cried grinding harder her toes curling painfully sweet.

It took all of him to keep from cumming right then and there. He let his thumb wander to her clit working her hard and fast while he slammed harder with each stroke.

He moved within her, her heels jamming into his buttocks while he brought her to higher heights.

The only sound in the room was gasps for air and the sound of bodies coming together with slick friction.

“Oh god yes Zac harder! Fuck me harder!” Nikki screamed to the point where Zac was sure his neighbors down the road could hear.

“I’m can’t hold it baby I’m going to come.”

With one last hard stroke and a flick of his thumb they came together riding out wave after wave of pleasure.

They basked in the after glow bodies slick with sweat and chests heaving.

RING RING RING

“FUCK!” Zac cried as he rolled off the bed landing with a loud thump on the floor.

Just then a dirty frock of brown hair peered over the bed.

“That’s not Nikki’s hair” he thought to himself.

“Zaccy baby what the hell was that?” Vanessa’s voice chirped annoyingly from the bed.

“Fuck…” he said as he looked down at his morning wood that was very, very painful at the moment.

“Did you have a nightmare baby?” she asked while he stood up walking to the bathroom.

“Actually the opposite…” he said under his breath so Vanessa couldn’t hear.

But there was one thing Zac was sure of…He was dreaming the best dream of his life just a moment ago and now he woke up to a nightmare.